abstract mess in the head&heart

so i’m used to questioning myself and everything i do and think of … especially in times like right now before i sleep …

am i really moving on?? or am i pretending to be?
cause seriously now, there’s no reason for me not to any more, i’ve got all the conviction in the world. So why am i asking this? because it’s the only thing i can blame for whatever it is that i’m doing … however scared i am of feeling anything for anyone … yes i am talking about my ex and my emotional life if u’re not catching up.
was it a sign that i was just talking about this this morning? was it a sign that this episode i watched of one tree hill was talking about this particular issue (yes i watch this sappy drama so get over it) … the thing is it makes perfect sense… people just have to let go of all this darkness to move on, the shit’s gonna remain there whether we want it or not, the people who did us wrong won’t go away by our feeling bad, it’s the people that love us that we let down, and it’s the people we love who we do wrong… it’s all just a cycle of self pity and denial … and for that, i might be guilty as charged. still, i’m just too scared that my feelings would be induced by my circumstance and not my loving emotions, after all i’m just human, i just came out of a 4 year long hell of a relationship, and i’m in desperate need to love and feel loved, whether to satisfy my human instinct or to refill what’s been drained out of me for the past years of my life. And THAT, makes me fear doing anything stupid, i’m afraid being on the other side of the wrongdoing …. but at the same time, maybe all this fear is creating yet another illusion in my head! is there a safe way i could find out? should i just be patient and not be impulsive or would that be letting everything slip through my hands? should i act upon how i feel or would that be too irrational and soon?? should i go by my famous “There’s only one way to find out!” or would that be too selfish??!

i’m scared of taking risks, especially if i know i wouldn’t be the one handling most of their consequences if i turn out to be wrong.

now for the more practical part, is it right to just act upon what you feel without putting any of the usual life practicalities in mind? do fairy tales exist? akeed there is always a part of this and a part of that, but where the fuck is the threshold afterwhich it’s a definite no go? is forever that important? is now more important or later?

let me rephrase, you find a person you really wanna make happy, and you know they can make you happy too … but the option of forever is not really that clear, more honestly, it’s a long shot … is that enough to go for it, or would i be acting just upon sheer excitement due to my currently new state of mind?

i feel like a 14 year old all over again … i don’t know if i should love or hate it. am i being too immature … should i just grow up? what the hell is a grownup?

ugh the questions are getting endless… i’m hitting the bed…