i need to function … i’ve been sitting there tryig to do something but just doing it … i’ve got alot left to do …

i miss alot of things … and i’m anticipating alot more …

i miss having you there next to me when i’m studying … i can’t believe how good that felt … i miss lots of things about you actually…

i can’t wait for my D80 … it’s supposedly in the shipment phase now .. to arrive in the states tomorrow, and hopefully to Egypt on Sunday … although i’m scared of acquiring it before the following sunday orelse i’ll play with it and flunk all next week’s exams

i need some peace … the kinda peace i had yesterday afternoon …

am i going around in circles?? bet i’ll just start talking about the camera next … oh wait i just did … ugh … i’m outta here

Discipline

So … i’m in this constant struggle with myself to become better … every night i decide i wanna quit smoking … everyday i decide i wanna exercise more … and everyday i do nothing from what i’ve decided. I took up swimming for two weeks … then as usual … quit. I quit smoking for 5 days … and as usual i just returned to the habit as strongly as ever …
How come it’s so easy to keep the bad habits up, and difficult to keep the good ones. How come we don’t mind going through whatever difficulty it is that we have to go through for the sake of bad habits … while refraining from exerting the smallest of efforts for the sake of something good?
Am I rightfully generalizing or is it just my case?

Anyways .. as usual, i decided i wanted to quit last night … so far i haven’t had cigarettes today but then again i didn’t go out yet… I also decided to get on the treadmill for a change (oh did i ever mention the lazy me has a treadmill in the house?) … i put on some music, Nine Inch Nails new album that Gadfri generously sent me, and off i went. 4 tracks into the album i just found me being described … so i put the track on repeat for the 40 minutes i walked on the treadmill … i also have to recommend it for anyone on a treadmill, it’s tempo is really fun to match … and i didn’t end up listening to anything else from the album … yet

so ladies and gents … i recommend to you my song for the day and it’s called “Discipline” by Nine Inch Nails, from their album “The Slip”

oh you can get it from here btw: http://www.zshare.net/audio/12352370cbbf3215/

and if u wanna receive my periodic songs of the day or share yours, you can still join me on my music group at: http://launch.groups.yahoo.com/group/haijekov_sotd/

Wish you all the strength to get rid of your bad habits … and to sustain your good ones …

kov

blackholes and revelations

yeah i’m hooked to titles from music, movies, and all this blablabla … let me think cause this shall be one of those posts i never really finish cause i can never manage to get my thoughts in order.

Today was a really big day … and in meba2laz keda w malyaan! i had a midterm in the morning and did really well (i hope) … came back home then went out with one really special new friend of mine for the night … and this is the part that got me really to reflect on lots of things.

recently i’ve been getting over things, trying to rediscover myself in many ways … trying to learn how to deal with myself and life … i haven’t really finished that task, but in many ways, i’m getting closer everyday … i can feel it … and i can say that i learn something new everyday which i think is wonderful … and i have to give credit to my new friend for a great deal of that.

See … one thing i was doing that i discovered was wrong was limit my being close to people … for fear of feeling things … or fooling myself into them … but i discovered what i was doing was only smother myself … i was locking myself out of everything with the alibi of treatment … and slowly i was sucking all sorts of meaning out of my life!

my friend here might think i had an awful day … she might think she wasn’t fun … her mood was off … she ranted alot .. whatever it is … but to me, the thing that meant the most and highlighted the whole day for me was the smile she had on her face while i was giving her the ride home … and a few messages she threw on my GTalk before i got home … i felt like i made a difference … and that gives me hope … in myself, friendship, all humans in general … and i could go as far as to say in life …

i’d rather be like this forever … feeling like i can make a difference in other people’s lives, despite how unsafe that might be for my wellbeing than just lock myself out for fear of getting close to someone and get hurt again …. yes most people are fakers … yes i’m still insecure about human beings in general … but i think moments like these weigh more on the scale of goodness and meaning to me than the feeling i get when it all gets bad … i’m not scared of feeling any more …

i know that probably didn’t make any sense

as for a little former secret about me: I hereby announce i am addicted to a chickflick series called ONE TREE HILL !!!! I watched all previous four seasons … and i download each episode from the fifth the day it’s aired!!! guess i really am addicted to emotional dramatic things!!! now i’m starting to worry about myself

oh and don’t u just love how mean those wordpress smileys look??

<— “nyahahahaha i’ll come bite you in your sleep”

First 100% Good Day in eternity

So finally i’ll be writing something positive here … and it’s about yesterday. I can describe yesterday as the first great day i had in a REALLY long time . And most of the credit if not all goes to an awesome new friend of mine, hunny u’re amazing (K) … and it was packed to.

The day started off with work, in tagammo3 el khames, then zamalek where i finished, prayed, and met my lovely friend. We had a really nice walk around the island and by the Nile. Then off to the carnival in Korba! We drew and painted on the streets … took a few pictures, listened to great music, and had an awesome time

Korba was done, so we went somewhere else with a really nice view and spent some more great time

driving was also fun … music was great … and during all those things we did, conversations were always so enjoyable and fun …

i never imagined i could do so many things in a day and actually enjoy every single one of them!!! So dear S, I can never thank you enough!

by the time i had to get back to my friends later in the night to say goodbye to one of the who’s travelling, i really didn’t care if X was there, i really didn’t even bother … my day was good, and i was happy … Period.

S, Thank you again

now i have to return to serious boring life my finals are in 10 days and i haven’t even started!
the really stupid thing with life that it’s only NOW and in this period that i actually find work offers, and that i find ways to actually enjoy my insomnia instead of just curse it! and now i have to get rid of all that

until the next time,

stay happy

indifference-X

Okay so lots of people were really supportive to me on my X deal. And i really wanna thank them all for that …
Somehow they all agree on the fact that I still have those strong feelings left for her, when i don’t. So this is a disclaimer here in which i tell you all that the only feelings i have about her are just anger related to how my life’s been for the years she wasted, it’s all about me and what’s been done to me, and it’s up to me to undo all that and i will … certainly not with her in the picture . As for feelings about HER, none, niente, NOTHING!!!

To you my dear beloved Jade, i wanna tell you that everything you advised me in your most recent comment was done yesterday in particular, this supposed person i encountered twice and in both times i was totally indifferent. And the nice part is not that i was acting it, i wsn’t … I actually DID feel totally indifferent, or surprised by how indifferent i am and the smile on her face the day before yesterday was certainly wiped out embare7 not as if i care anyways …

i’m in a good mood people finally … congratulate me

Coincidence or Extreme Activity from the Subconscious??

So i sent this song on my group yesterday … and then had this encounter with my X finally … and i just couldn’t be but straight forward and direct to the extent of what a friend of mine later described as mean. I’m sorry i just didn’t wanna go make up lies on how i’m okay and can be friends and all that crap … cause that person fucked me up so bad and she doesn’t even deserve to be my friend??

Listening to the song i’ve been listening to since yesterday i discovered it’s retelling the whole scene!!! was it a coincidence or is my subconscious that strong?? anyways … i’m still in a complete state of shock

why the hell aren’t there any decent vidz for the songs i like these days?? :@

anyways … i’ll just have to settle for that until i figure out how to upload the songs nafsohom instead of using youtube

I’m Seriously Too Young for this

Ok so life suddenly got serious … Then it started to get more serious … and more serious … so i found myself forced to carry some responsibility … then more … and more … and even more … then i look around and find myself different from those around me  … and it just sometimes hurts.

It all started a few years ago … I suddenly found myself totally supporting myself financially … the time i was introduced to the concept of work on the side was unfortunately the same time my dad started having trouble at his own work. So the extra became a necessity as since it’s the only thing that could be taken for granted and there are other necessities to support. Wait, i should be more fair than that … same applies to my sister, and we’re both old enough … are we?? I don’t know anyways ,,,

So i’m still an undergrad, and i occasionally work to support myself, the only jobs i’m occasionally able to find is assist in research and translate both documents and conversations. It pays well … but then again it’s not that much of a stable thing … one week you’re on a job, the rest of the month you’re searching for something to do … i also usher in events … anything that pays really …
The main advantage I had that allowed me to do those jobs effectively and simultaneously at times is that i drive… so practically, my way of life is as follows: I take money from my dad, and that’s not enough for me so i have to work. I pay at least 75% of this money as expenses (mostly if not all is gas) which is then compensated with my pay from work … and this is how i was just getting by …. as in JUST … ya3ny i’m often indebted until my next job when i can pay back.

SO now they even raised the gas prices even higher, and i have to be out of the job for the next two months cause i have my finals and graduation project to worry about. and i’m wondering what the fuck am i supposed to do??!!

Should i sell my car and get something more economical?? but what the hell would that be?? second hands would be the only thing i could afford, and those always mean more problems …

Should I find myself a stable job?? Cool i’d love to, but who the hell is gonna hire an undergrad who still won’t know his military status before next November? Thank you daddy for the beautiful surprise of november 99!.

Am i over-reacting??

I would love to act just cheap, but somehow it doesn’t work … even if we’re taking it from the perspective of worrying about what other people think, people always rule out the possibility that you just can’t afford something and just settle for the cheap conclusion … plus … is it fair to just be inferior from everyone you’re close to just because your capabilities are different? do i look at less capable people that way?? oh shit lots of subjects are running in my head right now …

I feel like one of those struggling young employees you see on Egyptian movies of the 80’s … and hell i’m still not graduated yet … and i look around me and find everyone i know all set, either cause they’ve already graduated and working or because they’re really taken care of by their parents. I don’t wanna envy really … I don’t … I just wonder sometimes if there’s something just wrong with the system by which i run my life … Why the fuck did i make some dumb choices like delaying my graduation for one year so i can join a department i didn’t find myself in at all?? and now im graduating, late, to become something i don’t wanna be, and with job experience that’s totally irrelevant to it and that i could not turn into a career … interestin….

anyways,

i’m officially suffering from a mental financial complex, if that’s even a thing, and momken qareeban ab2a 7aked tabaqeyyan… rabbena yostor!

ok what am i supposed to deduce??

Why is it that every time i talk about the army i find “3abboud 3al 7odood” playing on TV? Why do i have to be reminded of the resemblance to my story?

Let’s say i didn’t have any brothers for a really long time until my dad remarried and brought me my beautiful young brother. and now being in computer engineering i’m definitely doomed to join the army when i graduate unless i find some sort of strong wassta. or if they don’t ignore my flatfoot.

and now 3abboud has to be here smoking a joint infront of me and reminding me of my dreaded destiny

here’s the biggest piece of irony in the whole thing:
I actually knew my stepmom was pregnant when it was five months old news, no problem … so she is considered a bit old so they had to do some DNA tests on the fetus to check there are no deformities or any of those things they fear might take place if the mother is not that young. So the test results came saying “Well, undeformed FEmale”. and i could breathe again.
Until the day came, 5th of November 1999 and i was awakened by a phonecall from my dad telling me “Mabrook Gaalak T”!!! (i literally saw my whole life flash before my eyes) … oh and my dad says i swore at him on the phone when he said that … must be a panic attack …
clearly one of the most significant moments of my life.

how the DNA test said he was a girl? I really dunno … nefsy aroo7 beeh w bel test result wa2ollohom ragga3oo da mesh betaa3y

anyways … 3la ra2y Will E.: “Sooner or Later We All Fall Down”

Masochism in action

So why the fuck did i have to do that to myself??
I know where she was waiting there for W and i just went out of my way to drive through that corner to take a glance.
I knew it’s the worst thing i could do to myself, then why the fuck did I?

Why does it still affect me??
Why is my heart still aching?
Why do i then run for support when i don’t deserve it? After all i did this all to myself!!
Why does Karma have to play its game with me at this perfect particular time and leave me just all alone with noone to vent it to??
Why am i not learning the lesson?
Why am i dependant on anyone else in anything on that matter?
Haven’t I learnt from the uncountable times in which i was turned down? When every single coincidence that could happen to leave you there stranded in your shit just occur in this perfect scheme … why does that ALWAYS HAPPEN??! Can’t you get it through your head that you are alone whether you like it or not? Or is it not enough how u’re such an embarrassment to yourself that you have to embarrass yourself infront of others?
Even if i’m weak and all screwed and fucked up, am i not aware of that fact? don’t i whine about it all the time? then why am i just putting myself in situations that would lead me to be more in touch with it? So i could whine some more?? wait … wasn’t it me who did this to myself in the first place?
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??!!
DO YOU WANNA GET A GRIP OR NOT?? THEN  WHY THE HELL AREN’T YOU ACTING UPON IT YOU STUPID PATHETIC LITTLE FUCK?!

Guilty?

We blurters complain alot … about life … situations … feelings … and most frequently about other people and their actions. We call them this and that … internally we also judge them as this or that … we diss our society and make fun of everyone else’s mentality…

but what if we’re just the same as them? what if we’re guilty of the same things we accuse them of but we just can’t see it cause in some way or the other we think so highly of ourselves and are subconsciously patronizing all inferior human beings?? wallahy wla 7atta elly mesh inferior …

just wondering …