indifference-X

Okay so lots of people were really supportive to me on my X deal. And i really wanna thank them all for that …
Somehow they all agree on the fact that I still have those strong feelings left for her, when i don’t. So this is a disclaimer here in which i tell you all that the only feelings i have about her are just anger related to how my life’s been for the years she wasted, it’s all about me and what’s been done to me, and it’s up to me to undo all that and i will … certainly not with her in the picture . As for feelings about HER, none, niente, NOTHING!!!

To you my dear beloved Jade, i wanna tell you that everything you advised me in your most recent comment was done yesterday in particular, this supposed person i encountered twice and in both times i was totally indifferent. And the nice part is not that i was acting it, i wsn’t … I actually DID feel totally indifferent, or surprised by how indifferent i am and the smile on her face the day before yesterday was certainly wiped out embare7 not as if i care anyways …

i’m in a good mood people finally … congratulate me

Coincidence or Extreme Activity from the Subconscious??

So i sent this song on my group yesterday … and then had this encounter with my X finally … and i just couldn’t be but straight forward and direct to the extent of what a friend of mine later described as mean. I’m sorry i just didn’t wanna go make up lies on how i’m okay and can be friends and all that crap … cause that person fucked me up so bad and she doesn’t even deserve to be my friend??

Listening to the song i’ve been listening to since yesterday i discovered it’s retelling the whole scene!!! was it a coincidence or is my subconscious that strong?? anyways … i’m still in a complete state of shock

why the hell aren’t there any decent vidz for the songs i like these days?? :@

anyways … i’ll just have to settle for that until i figure out how to upload the songs nafsohom instead of using youtube

Masochism in action

So why the fuck did i have to do that to myself??
I know where she was waiting there for W and i just went out of my way to drive through that corner to take a glance.
I knew it’s the worst thing i could do to myself, then why the fuck did I?

Why does it still affect me??
Why is my heart still aching?
Why do i then run for support when i don’t deserve it? After all i did this all to myself!!
Why does Karma have to play its game with me at this perfect particular time and leave me just all alone with noone to vent it to??
Why am i not learning the lesson?
Why am i dependant on anyone else in anything on that matter?
Haven’t I learnt from the uncountable times in which i was turned down? When every single coincidence that could happen to leave you there stranded in your shit just occur in this perfect scheme … why does that ALWAYS HAPPEN??! Can’t you get it through your head that you are alone whether you like it or not? Or is it not enough how u’re such an embarrassment to yourself that you have to embarrass yourself infront of others?
Even if i’m weak and all screwed and fucked up, am i not aware of that fact? don’t i whine about it all the time? then why am i just putting myself in situations that would lead me to be more in touch with it? So i could whine some more?? wait … wasn’t it me who did this to myself in the first place?
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??!!
DO YOU WANNA GET A GRIP OR NOT?? THEN  WHY THE HELL AREN’T YOU ACTING UPON IT YOU STUPID PATHETIC LITTLE FUCK?!

Is it over already??

I woke up today madroob bel gazma tub3an … and looking at the calender i realized it was the 26th. My safe period of peace is over. Supposedly X is back in town starting yesterday … so this officially is the start of the period where i have to deal with her existence among my friends … or try have her get out … and yes i can’t stand her so much i CAN be that mean … is it mean uslan???

anyways… wish me luck cause i really need it … cause seriously i can’t stand the idea of even seeing her coincidentally down the street

On regrets and memories

Ok … so for the past 48 hours i was in one of those emotional troughs where everything is starting to hit me, my brain and heart and pound on them too hard that it ached. Hence the whole idea of the Jim Carrey movie being true and all …
I came back home today and was doing my usual checkup on my blog as well as my favorite ones  … and i found two really interesting things in there about that … one of them was an amazing response to my previous post by DaySleeper (girl you actually made a hell lot of sense and a great difference), and a really nice post which is excerpt from a book I actually never thought of reading on N’s blog went as follows:

Eat, Pray, Love

An excerpt:

“…..I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than i care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then i have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance i have been a victim of my own optimism.”

I think that is the best expressed written paragraph i have ever read.

To you two i wanna say that you totally make sense. I shouldn’t regret most of the shit i went through because i loved or dreamt. Yes i believe in everything that was mentioned in this paragraph, and i do believe it totally describes where i fucked up in my past relationship… i wasn’t basing it on her or how she actually is, i based everything on my belief in her potential. I believe human beings have great potential especially when it comes to emotions and loving and showing them both, i guess she never really got to the place where she loved me enough … and i don’t think that’s my fault by any means. I acted upon my feelings, my love and everything i thought and felt was right … it’s not something i should be ashamed of or want to erase is it???!! NO IT’S NOT!

I was acting the exact way i wanted to be treated, and that’s not something I should regret by any means… and hence i’ll try my best not to … the fact the some people are just too sick to deserve any of it makes it their problem ,,, and adds yet another thing for THEM to regret… cause (and i don’t mean to sound too arrogant) i don’t think that’s something she’ll ever find again in her life … although i still don’t know why i wish she would … ma 3aleena

Thanks you both again.

Protected: My Story Part IV

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My Story (just to be fair)

I was writing through part 4 when it struck me… i’m portraying X to be the evil witch/bitch of all time and myself as the complete angel that’s was totally devoid of any mistakes or flaws… how rational is that … so i thought before i go into any further details of the 2 years that are left of the story i should write a chapter on how much of an asshole i’ve been as well. So here it goes:

I would be lying if i said I totally did nothing wrong throughout the first two years of us … but who doesn’t make mistakes, lose his temper, or do something stupid because of it. By nature, I’m a very impulsive person, and my anger is not something you want to face … some people go as far as call me aggressive. All i can say in my defense on that matter is that i can’t think of one thing wrong i did to her throughout this era that was not a reaction to her shitty ways.

The first thing ever was one day in college … she was totally treating me like crap in public … nezaam i talk to her she turns around and ignores and makes me go run after her (don’t ask me why i took this shit) … and when i finally caught up with her she kept talking like shit infront of everyone i know and don’t know … so i flipped… shouted like crazy and made a whole big scene … some people actually thought i was gonna physically attack her!!! for those of you who still don’t know me that well, I DON’T let any physical anger out on females… momken atalla3 3′elly f2ayy 7aaga bass i would never touch a girl.

Another demonic act of mine was actually inspired by this little piece of info about me that i just gave out… we were having this heated argument about her ways again and she just kept going… i stepped out of the car yelling something along the line of i won’t accept being talked to like that and slammed the door… the window was in pieces on the asphalt milliseconds later… (never thought i had the physical ability to ever do that!!!)

three and the most drastic thing i ever did (as if the first two were not enough to turn me into the devil himself) …was that i actually got physically involved with someone on a time of one of our numerous breaks! Most have the right to think of me as the worst guy ever for that … and i acknowledge that …
Thing is … i was out of the thing … and by far X was not the person who has ever provided any kind of emotional support or any feeling of compassion throughout the first two years of being in that hell of a so called relationship … so i just jumped into the first opportunity of anything that would make me feel good… that doesn’t still make it right … i know so spare me all the attacks … i do those to myself …

I don’t think getting with “A” was a mistake though although she gave me a hard time about it later … so i’m not gonna even consider including it here…

Those were the major 3 wrongdoings from my side…

In my defense however (if anyone is still interested) … The difference between me and her is that i admit the things i did wrong … and i work on myself so as not to repeat them … and i never did … my apologies are not just verbal crap you hear and regret ever believing … i’m a more of a “apologize by showing change” kind of guy … so nothing in the vicinity of any of this ever happened again … My anger has been worked on bigtime (my friends find me weird till now), and i am no longer that person by any means … sometimes now i feel like i shouldn’t have changed for her sake… but i think of that as stupid … i’m actually gaining alot in my life due to these things i’ve worked on in my own self… but i have to admit that when i started working on any of it, it was mainly for her sake, so i could be a better person and a better partner in my fantasy relationship …

I’m only happy because this is the only good thing i got out of the relationship so far …

if u still think of me as the devil … then you have every right to…

kov

My Story Part(III)

Previous Parts: Part I, Part II

Once again I was heartbroken … but this time i had me to blame. As in all similar situations, i just focus on the one thing I did wrong and try not to repeat it again … and I end up ignoring everything but this one thing … so i fuck up everything and wonder how … “i’ve been learning from my mistakes damnit” …
I decided to think more into anything i’m going into … not act upon just a feeling or a fear like the previous times. “A” had totally shut me out by the time … and X was really surprising me with new developments on a personal level of hers … proving to me that she could change and all these things people call impossibilities and illusions … problem is they looked true to some extent.
I thought … well … i’m all alone … “A” is hopeless … and there’s that other thing that’s i’ve worked on for two years … what harm could there be if i just give it a go?? just one more time … ?
Indeed I did … and I tried to make it different this time… I tried to be more careful, to be more practical, to be more appreciative (which actually meant to search for something logical to appreciate)… I tried building something special again … and I tried creating as many special memories as I could… Not a single one got through … NOT ONE!!!
The only major good things that were there to stay were those that could only involve her … like when she wanted to take photography seriously, i hooked her up with this instructor friend of mine and she took it from there … on the other hand if that thing involved both of us, it couldn’t stand a chance … or simply turned into something that totally about her and i was left out of it. sounds vague i know…
Let me clarify it by asking this: How could something we’re supposedly going to enjoy together to have a good time always end up in some rivalry or competition and turns into some situation that’s totally centered around you? Or if it’s applicable, I end up being totally left out. Sorry my concept of relationships include much more togetherness than that … as well as MUCH less selfishness… that’s IT … finally i found it … this X BH was just too unbelievably selfish!!!
So three years have almost passed and things are starting to fall apart again… on and off … i get sick of it … i break up … we make up and i get a shit load of promises … promises get broken and i get hurt … she gets pissed how come i’m pissed … she breaks up … she apologizes … admits it all … adds one to her shit load of promises … repeat as many times as you like …
Why I hadn’t gotten the message sooner? i don’t know. Especially that this period of her so called ‘fixing things’ only made matters worse … and slowly i faded away … or maybe this relationship started to fade away in my eyes.
I admit sometimes within this period i didn’t even act as if i’m in a relationship … at the same time i did … i would find myself considering other options but just not doing anything about it cause i’m with someone … it’s like being a hamster in one of those wheels … you just turn and turn not knowing where you came from or where you’re going … and it’s not long before you get dizzy…
The only result i know for sure was that i was growing numb … i started to get sick of the idea of a relationship in general … at the same time i just couldn’t get my self out … i’ve been with this person for years … maybe i was addicted … maybe i feared the changed … whatever the stupid reason is that didn’t make me break it off … it’s still stupid so there’s no use dwelling in there…
Then came August 2006 … and things started evolving a little differently on my side … stay tuned for Part IV …

My Story (Part II)

PART I 

So we broke up … and i was totally screwed up in my head. I think that period stands right next to NOW in contesting for the most bitter period of disappointment in my life. And it was VERY complicated.
I had an ex that i saw everytime i went out to see my friends cause she’s simply their friend too … then she started taking over those friends … little by little … destroying me. It wasn’t long before i was completely exhausted on both emotional and psychological scales. and it just won’t stop getting more complicated than that.
The only bright spot in my life at this period was a girl “A” i knew a short while before. I can clearly say that if it weren’t for her i pro’lly would’ve killed myself at the time. You know when you just can’t talk to anyone about anything because either they don’t get it or they don’t wanna accept it because eventually you’re talking about their friend?? she was different… she didn’t just understand … she showed it and was able to comfort me in every single way… it was really creeping me …
It wasn’t long before i knew she had feelings for me … and it took me as long to start developing feelings for her myself. And I committed the ultimate mistake: acting upon it that soon.
Some people call it rebound … other call it names i wouldn’t fancy including here … to me, I call it bad timing… very bad timing…
Rebounds are when u just jump in the first thing you see with a person that just doesn’t suit you at all … this was not my case … i had other people i could jump in relationships with … with her … i guess i was too thrilled to find myself that understood and appreciated by someone who did have that many things in common with me, and could be part of this fantasy relationship i’ve always dreamed of. At the same time I was afraid if I look away i wouldn’t find it any more.
Of course … a person that is still that fucked up in his heart and mind could not give all he could in this state … i just couldn’t fight for anything at the time … i was acting upon my head more and totally canceling my heart in the whole thing and very slowly i started fucking this up too … well not very slowly really. And to make shit worse, My X started trying to get back to me at the time …

I totally stood my grounds in not getting back … and then shit started getting worse … i had to be with her at the same place several times so i wouldn’t lose my friends … i had to answer calls to tell her it’s never gonna happen … and it all affected ‘A’ of course. Then my X had a terrible accident … i just couldn’t find it in me not to be there to help, as a friend. At that time el 3eshra had some meaning to me (obviously i appreciated it for the wrong people). I was totally convinced I was doing the right thing … i mean the girl was gonna die …
Little by little … ‘A’ couldn’t take it any more … I was being too cautious so i wasn’t totally opened up, after all i didn’t want another heartbreak to deal with so soon, and of course she had the total right to become jealous out of my frequent dealings with my X. She started believing i was committing the perfect rebound with her … one day she suddenly decided to confront me with it all and she broke up … i just couldn’t fight back … for some reason i just couldn’t … another emotional fight and struggle … i couldn’t do that again too soon… I thought i’d just wait … I fucked this all up cause i’m not in the right shape to do any of this … so i’ll just wait a little while till i can gather myself together to be able to really commit to whatever i’m doing … and by the time I did … it was too freakin late … and i had lost one of THE best people I have ever known … if i dare say … one of the biggest potentials for something good to ever happen in my life…

another major disappointment in my life always means another major stupid act … stay tuned for Part III

La Wennaby???!!!

So I deleted her off the list so that i wouldn’t be tormented by seeing her online every day … and that was working fine … until she suddenly pops writing me. Says she knows how she’s been really weird to me the past few months, sometimes super mean, that it’s not about sorry, she was just hurt and trying to hurt me back  but things are very hard for her on her own where she is … and she hopes me good luck in my midterms.

First: if it’s not about sorry then what the fuck is it about??
Second: Does anyone get how this all is connected or is it just me that can’t find any sense in it??
Third: Hurt ME back??!!  wtf??!! what the hell did i do to earn a hurt back?? was it being hurt by her doings for all those years??!!!

PLEASE STOP FUCKING MY LIFE MORE THAN U ALREADY DID BA2AAA!!!!!!