KOV has decided his journey here is done! He will be headed back to his old outlet. It was quite a journey … i think!

I’m not being sexist … and i’m not being biased towards my own gender … but seriously now:

SELFISHNESS IS A MAJOR INGREDIENT GENE IN THE X-CHROMOSOME … WE’VE GOT IT ALRIGHT … BUT U LADIES HAVE DOUBLE THE DOSAGE (sometimes triple if one ex was correct).

May is finally over. And it sure was the weirdest and most educational month as far as my memory can go. From this month i can finally conclude the following

• if it takes you years to create a picture about something … seeing it differently for a month doesn’t make it different. Members of the same species cannot be that different, all dogs bark, and all snakes bite.
• if u’ve ever made a mistake of allowing yourself to be taken for granted, then doing that again would be extremely stupid
• people can always pretend to understand and empathize, but it can never be true cause they were never in your shoes, and they were never you
• it’s normal to have fears and insecurities, take your time with them, and don’t rush things no matter how others may push you for their own benefit. They wouldn’t if they understand anyways
• your intentions are totally yours, no one can make an intention on your behalf and make it yours.
• el baab elly ygeelak menno el ree7 seddo westaree7
• feeling is important … security is even more important. So careful as feelings might be deceptive in their consequence.
• your mind also exists remember???

kefaaya keda … i’m going to sleep … my night was really not worth it and have alot of studying to do tomorrow.

feeling: Stupid & Angry
Music: Oasis ~ Where Did It All Go Wrong (Accoustic)

It’s now midnight and the start of a new month, a start of a very special day, the birthday of a really beautiful person, a person who’s brought a lot of meaning to everyone around through her blog, which has been my favorite to read for the past few months.

I’ve also been privileged by chatting with this beautiful soul and she proved to me time after time, that she’s not just a great writer, but also a great human being who you’d be blessed to have around you even distantly!

i don’t know what else to say about you Insomniac, and I wish you the happiest birthday ever, one that would be totally extraordinary

Kov

i need to function … i’ve been sitting there tryig to do something but just doing it … i’ve got alot left to do …

i miss alot of things … and i’m anticipating alot more …

i miss having you there next to me when i’m studying … i can’t believe how good that felt … i miss lots of things about you actually…

i can’t wait for my D80 … it’s supposedly in the shipment phase now .. to arrive in the states tomorrow, and hopefully to Egypt on Sunday … although i’m scared of acquiring it before the following sunday orelse i’ll play with it and flunk all next week’s exams

i need some peace … the kinda peace i had yesterday afternoon …

am i going around in circles?? bet i’ll just start talking about the camera next … oh wait i just did … ugh … i’m outta here

so my too good to be true camera dream got a little shaky .. the too good to be true offer i found was indeed too good to be true and the retailer turned out to be a great scam artist … and luckily that little fact was discovered seconds before the ‘purchase’ button was pressed!

so now i’m paying an extra 150$ for my D80 from a more trusted dealer… and it won’t probably ship in time for it to be wth me in  a week … so i’m probably gonna wait till late july.

oh .. and if anyone is intending to use a retailer called “broadway photo”, or any other dealer on that matter, please check the dealer’s ratings and reputation online first.

feeling: extremely disappointed
listening to: radiohead’s complete discography

I Feel This!!!! and I’m happy …

KOV has cleared out every cent he has and is finally getting a camera and now i’ll be a beggar u see in the traffic lights trying to take u a nice picture to take money

hehe i’m so excited

awesome track … really gets me high on music

so i’m used to questioning myself and everything i do and think of … especially in times like right now before i sleep …

am i really moving on?? or am i pretending to be?
cause seriously now, there’s no reason for me not to any more, i’ve got all the conviction in the world. So why am i asking this? because it’s the only thing i can blame for whatever it is that i’m doing … however scared i am of feeling anything for anyone … yes i am talking about my ex and my emotional life if u’re not catching up.
was it a sign that i was just talking about this this morning? was it a sign that this episode i watched of one tree hill was talking about this particular issue (yes i watch this sappy drama so get over it) … the thing is it makes perfect sense… people just have to let go of all this darkness to move on, the shit’s gonna remain there whether we want it or not, the people who did us wrong won’t go away by our feeling bad, it’s the people that love us that we let down, and it’s the people we love who we do wrong… it’s all just a cycle of self pity and denial … and for that, i might be guilty as charged. still, i’m just too scared that my feelings would be induced by my circumstance and not my loving emotions, after all i’m just human, i just came out of a 4 year long hell of a relationship, and i’m in desperate need to love and feel loved, whether to satisfy my human instinct or to refill what’s been drained out of me for the past years of my life. And THAT, makes me fear doing anything stupid, i’m afraid being on the other side of the wrongdoing …. but at the same time, maybe all this fear is creating yet another illusion in my head! is there a safe way i could find out? should i just be patient and not be impulsive or would that be letting everything slip through my hands? should i act upon how i feel or would that be too irrational and soon?? should i go by my famous “There’s only one way to find out!” or would that be too selfish??!

i’m scared of taking risks, especially if i know i wouldn’t be the one handling most of their consequences if i turn out to be wrong.

now for the more practical part, is it right to just act upon what you feel without putting any of the usual life practicalities in mind? do fairy tales exist? akeed there is always a part of this and a part of that, but where the fuck is the threshold afterwhich it’s a definite no go? is forever that important? is now more important or later?

let me rephrase, you find a person you really wanna make happy, and you know they can make you happy too … but the option of forever is not really that clear, more honestly, it’s a long shot … is that enough to go for it, or would i be acting just upon sheer excitement due to my currently new state of mind?

i feel like a 14 year old all over again … i don’t know if i should love or hate it. am i being too immature … should i just grow up? what the hell is a grownup?

ugh the questions are getting endless… i’m hitting the bed…