MY WORLD

So today i received a track that got me really nostalgic and reminded me of 3 Doors Down … it also reminded me of my favorite all time track by them and i can’t stop listening to it since … and now i can’t wait for exams to be over for me to get back to the studio and play it!!!!

guys … i give you 3 Doors Down’s My World …

Your stuck on a chain
And your toeing a lie
Seems like everytime that you catch up
You only fall behind

And your trapped inside this world you made yourself
but that’s not the world I live in
this is not the life for me
cause my world is bigger than your problems
and it’s bigger than me
that’s not the world I live in
this is not the life for me
cause my world is bigger than your problems
and it’s bigger than me

There is always someone to blame
for the things you do yourself
you think that everything that’s going wrong
is because of someone else

And your trapped inside this world you made yourself
that’s not the world I live in
this is not the life for me
cause my world is bigger than your problems
and it’s bigger than me
it’s not the world I live in
this is not the life for me
cause my world is bigger than your problems
and it’s bigger than me [2x]

cause i’m lonely outside and i’ll look on in

And that’s not the world I live in
this is not the life for me
cause my world is bigger than your problems
and it’s bigger than me
it’s not the world I live in
this is not the life for me
cause my world is bigger than your problems
and it’s bigger than me
cause my world is bigger than your problems
and it’s bigger than me…

sorry the connection where i am is not that good for an upload so u’ll have to get it yourself

Discipline

So … i’m in this constant struggle with myself to become better … every night i decide i wanna quit smoking … everyday i decide i wanna exercise more … and everyday i do nothing from what i’ve decided. I took up swimming for two weeks … then as usual … quit. I quit smoking for 5 days … and as usual i just returned to the habit as strongly as ever …
How come it’s so easy to keep the bad habits up, and difficult to keep the good ones. How come we don’t mind going through whatever difficulty it is that we have to go through for the sake of bad habits … while refraining from exerting the smallest of efforts for the sake of something good?
Am I rightfully generalizing or is it just my case?

Anyways .. as usual, i decided i wanted to quit last night … so far i haven’t had cigarettes today but then again i didn’t go out yet… I also decided to get on the treadmill for a change (oh did i ever mention the lazy me has a treadmill in the house?) … i put on some music, Nine Inch Nails new album that Gadfri generously sent me, and off i went. 4 tracks into the album i just found me being described … so i put the track on repeat for the 40 minutes i walked on the treadmill … i also have to recommend it for anyone on a treadmill, it’s tempo is really fun to match … and i didn’t end up listening to anything else from the album … yet

so ladies and gents … i recommend to you my song for the day and it’s called “Discipline” by Nine Inch Nails, from their album “The Slip”

oh you can get it from here btw: http://www.zshare.net/audio/12352370cbbf3215/

and if u wanna receive my periodic songs of the day or share yours, you can still join me on my music group at: http://launch.groups.yahoo.com/group/haijekov_sotd/

Wish you all the strength to get rid of your bad habits … and to sustain your good ones …

kov

DORGH!!!!

my exam is tomorrow … i’m way behind … waaay behind … i pass out while studying and waste a good two hours … i wake up and decide i’m gonna kidnap a friend and study outside because if i stay home i’ll sleep … i go ti him and once i arrive, my car breaks down … and noone seems to answer their freaking phone anymore in real times of need …. DORGH!!!!!!!

Hiatus

For a couple of days now i started feeling weird again … maybe this is just not working …

I don’t feel like dwelling into my feelings that much to write … and i don’t have the patience to read either …

I think i’ll be taking a break for a while …

be back soon.

Our Hopes and Expectations … Black Holes and Revelations
Our Hopes and Expectations … Black Holes and Revelations

wonder if it really means what i have in mind … but on another level now … should what we hope for and what we’re supposed to expect be that different???!!!!

oh well …

blackholes and revelations

yeah i’m hooked to titles from music, movies, and all this blablabla … let me think cause this shall be one of those posts i never really finish cause i can never manage to get my thoughts in order.

Today was a really big day … and in meba2laz keda w malyaan! i had a midterm in the morning and did really well (i hope) … came back home then went out with one really special new friend of mine for the night … and this is the part that got me really to reflect on lots of things.

recently i’ve been getting over things, trying to rediscover myself in many ways … trying to learn how to deal with myself and life … i haven’t really finished that task, but in many ways, i’m getting closer everyday … i can feel it … and i can say that i learn something new everyday which i think is wonderful … and i have to give credit to my new friend for a great deal of that.

See … one thing i was doing that i discovered was wrong was limit my being close to people … for fear of feeling things … or fooling myself into them … but i discovered what i was doing was only smother myself … i was locking myself out of everything with the alibi of treatment … and slowly i was sucking all sorts of meaning out of my life!

my friend here might think i had an awful day … she might think she wasn’t fun … her mood was off … she ranted alot .. whatever it is … but to me, the thing that meant the most and highlighted the whole day for me was the smile she had on her face while i was giving her the ride home … and a few messages she threw on my GTalk before i got home … i felt like i made a difference … and that gives me hope … in myself, friendship, all humans in general … and i could go as far as to say in life …

i’d rather be like this forever … feeling like i can make a difference in other people’s lives, despite how unsafe that might be for my wellbeing than just lock myself out for fear of getting close to someone and get hurt again …. yes most people are fakers … yes i’m still insecure about human beings in general … but i think moments like these weigh more on the scale of goodness and meaning to me than the feeling i get when it all gets bad … i’m not scared of feeling any more …

i know that probably didn’t make any sense

as for a little former secret about me: I hereby announce i am addicted to a chickflick series called ONE TREE HILL !!!! I watched all previous four seasons … and i download each episode from the fifth the day it’s aired!!! guess i really am addicted to emotional dramatic things!!! now i’m starting to worry about myself

oh and don’t u just love how mean those wordpress smileys look??

<— “nyahahahaha i’ll come bite you in your sleep”

in case i don’t see ya … good afternoon … good evening … and good night

usually in such times my ramblings don’t make any sense … so i’m not gonna talk much about how i feel to avoid going round in circles …

today i discovered i’m still totally fucked up … in my heart and head … and it’s all getting worse not better …

today i discovered that my me period is not yielding any results in improving me … it’s just making me worse …

today i discovered that i need a major change in my approach in life … one that i’m too weak to implement

today i discovered that i’m more insensitive and cruel than most the people i hate … which makes me reconsider what i think of myself in the first place … yes no matter how i don’t really show it on most levels … deep down I AM a bad person

today i discovered that bad things just have to come in the perfect time when u’re willing to start doing the good thing … something that could actually make things matter …

today i discovered that i’m most probably clueless on what kind of person i wanna be in the first place …

today i discovered that i’m a real hazard to humanity and its beings … especially those i care about … and i hate hurting anyone of those … but somehow i end up doing it with my own bloody hands …

tonight i decided that i’m not gonna tolerate anyone’s trial to make me feel better about myself … because i actually tend to believe them … and it makes me lose motive to actually improve myself … and misguides me pretty damn much …

tonight i was sad … i became happier by reconsidering everything … then it turned out to be in vain so i’m sad again …

starting today … i really don’t know if i should let go of my feelings and express them … or just be a conventional human showing no feelings at all … after all … where did sharing myself ever lead me …

and just now it really hit me … how the hell could anyone expect anyone else to bear how fucked up they are … especially when they know it and make it obvious the whole time???

today … tonight … i lose … … … … … and i’m sorry … … … truly sorry … … … …

…

..

.

again!

still listening to Metallica’s “Minus Human”

minus human

Don’t you leave me Father Time
Take me with you
Tell me does your sun still shine
Come squeeze the world and drip it down my throat… again
Down my throat again….woah

You got to breathe man, breathe
Coming up for air
Breathe man, breathe
Coming up for air

Touch me so I think I’m here
Skin my senses
Barely breathing
Minus Human
Please squeeze the world and drip it down my throat again
ooh Down my throat again…..woah

You got to breathe man, breathe
Coming up for..
Breathe man, breathe
Coming up for… AIR

You got to breathe man, breathe
Coming up for…
Breathe man, breathe
Coming up for…
Coming up for…

it never rains does it?

Sometimes life just meets you with lots of things you don’t which way to look first … I wonder if that is true or is it me doing it to myself. The logical reasoning is that it’s true but i’m just acting as a catalyst to make its effects worse.

I just live on complications don’t i?

I got seroius problems with M and don’t wanna lose her. I have exams starting with only 9 days left to study and i haven’t even started (hopefully today). I’m constantly trying to work because i’m in constant state of financial crap and my parents can’t support me as they have their own shit to take care of. I’m worried about my friends when i get busy with exams, i don’t want them to get too involved with X and find myself alone when i’m done. I’m worried about the military, i really don’t wanna waste any more time in my life … i’ve lost enough by all those stupid choices i made … it’s really not the time for any more due to things that’re out of my hands. I wanna feel good … and make someone else feel the same.  … well i think i’m starting to get off point so probably it’s about time i shut up and post this.

First 100% Good Day in eternity

So finally i’ll be writing something positive here … and it’s about yesterday. I can describe yesterday as the first great day i had in a REALLY long time . And most of the credit if not all goes to an awesome new friend of mine, hunny u’re amazing (K) … and it was packed to.

The day started off with work, in tagammo3 el khames, then zamalek where i finished, prayed, and met my lovely friend. We had a really nice walk around the island and by the Nile. Then off to the carnival in Korba! We drew and painted on the streets … took a few pictures, listened to great music, and had an awesome time

Korba was done, so we went somewhere else with a really nice view and spent some more great time

driving was also fun … music was great … and during all those things we did, conversations were always so enjoyable and fun …

i never imagined i could do so many things in a day and actually enjoy every single one of them!!! So dear S, I can never thank you enough!

by the time i had to get back to my friends later in the night to say goodbye to one of the who’s travelling, i really didn’t care if X was there, i really didn’t even bother … my day was good, and i was happy … Period.

S, Thank you again

now i have to return to serious boring life my finals are in 10 days and i haven’t even started!
the really stupid thing with life that it’s only NOW and in this period that i actually find work offers, and that i find ways to actually enjoy my insomnia instead of just curse it! and now i have to get rid of all that

until the next time,

stay happy