Archive for March, 2008

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On Music

March 31, 2008

One thing you should know about me, is that i’m pretty much affected by music… I don’t mind most types of music but i prefer things that are actually played with instruments … no trance, techno, rave and all this blablabla … rock is just about the thing for me … good music … good lyrics … that’s the best thing one could ask for… I don’t mind some electronica or industrial stuff as long as it does have some talent put into it … Nine Inch Nails and Massive Attack are among my all time favorite bands.

I won’t pretend to focus on a track from head to tail the first time i hear it with all the musical analysis like all other music freaks, I won’t pretend to be the picky music freak either, the kind that disses anything new cause they’re insanely hooked on some old legend (and GOD i know lots of those)… the first thing that makes me get hooked on a track is just a little part of it that makes me shiver, makes me feel goosebumps … if the song manages to get me there then it’s on my list for a considerably good amount of time… might never even get out … now if i later discover some good lyrics on that (usually that happens just about the time i can regain control after the goosebumps), then this track is SURELY never to get off my favorites’ list… from experience i can go on listening to those for years and years … even if i get off them for a while, i’ll remember them later and it’s as if it’s the first time i ever listen to them … with that great feeling still intact.

By good lyrics, i mean GOOD lyrics, ya salaam kamaan if it’s talking about something i’m going through … sometimes i just feel like music completes me and my emotions somehow… I write alot .. especially lately, but i still know i’m not very skilled when it comes to writing or expressing myself … i just am often never able to let it all out… so i’m really appreciative when i find a track that says something i wanna say … polished with some great wording and metaphors … accompanied with some great music … what more could i ever ask for??? seriously sometimes i find myself crying in the middle of a song for no apparent reason … NONE … and even in the same part every single time … Suzanne Vega’s Songs in Red and Grey is one of the biggest examples of that, the part where she hums with the piano playing… GOD THE GOOSEBUMPS ARE KILLING ME JUST BY THE MEMORY OF IT….

Anyways … another very good example of such a track is the one i’m listening to right now … erm … and throughout the whole day (A) …
At first it was the intro … i liked the way it was built up BIGTIME!!! … then the guitars strike in … and i thought “NIIIICE” … i like!!! … i kept repeating it over and over and was really in love with it … at first i didn’t focus that much on the lyrics, (after all that’s not always easy when u’re driving through the Cairo traffic) … and then came this time i was waiting under one of my friend’s place for him to drag his @$$ down … and then it started playing … and i listened to everything the guy was saying … and for some reason i got the ultimate two side-effects; goosebumps and tears… and it’s been on my fav list ever since.

I’m Weird … Sue Me …

Enjoying yet another thing u just pass by and leave unnoticed 😛

so much for studying 😀

Listening To: VAST ~ Thrown Away (http://www.zshare.net/audio/9846943c04328f/)
u’ll have to make do with the link till i learn how to include it as an item here :$

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E7m … Warning Sign?

March 31, 2008

Two hours to go for my midterm and somehow i’m here staring in the wrong window on my computer screen … Firefox – Adobe Reader -where’s the bloody difference?!
Obviously since i was finally able to write a significant amount of what’s wrong with me … i got hooked to it … so excuse me ladies and gents if i’m gonna try focus on not repeating the mistake of focusing on just one thing 🙂

see you on thursday when my midterms are done (damn it part IV is about done :@) <— that’s the hooked one i’m talking about 😀

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Interesting Observation

March 30, 2008

Well … i have midterms starting tomorrow and can’t study shit so i’ve been browsing people’s blogs all day … and i noticed something weird …
All lady bloggers work in marketting … and gentlemen bloggers work as mechanical engineers!!!

what’s up with that???!!

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My Story Part(III)

March 30, 2008

Previous Parts: Part I, Part II

Once again I was heartbroken … but this time i had me to blame. As in all similar situations, i just focus on the one thing I did wrong and try not to repeat it again … and I end up ignoring everything but this one thing … so i fuck up everything and wonder how … “i’ve been learning from my mistakes damnit” …
I decided to think more into anything i’m going into … not act upon just a feeling or a fear like the previous times. “A” had totally shut me out by the time … and X was really surprising me with new developments on a personal level of hers … proving to me that she could change and all these things people call impossibilities and illusions … problem is they looked true to some extent.
I thought … well … i’m all alone … “A” is hopeless … and there’s that other thing that’s i’ve worked on for two years … what harm could there be if i just give it a go?? just one more time … ?
Indeed I did … and I tried to make it different this time… I tried to be more careful, to be more practical, to be more appreciative (which actually meant to search for something logical to appreciate)… I tried building something special again … and I tried creating as many special memories as I could… Not a single one got through … NOT ONE!!!
The only major good things that were there to stay were those that could only involve her … like when she wanted to take photography seriously, i hooked her up with this instructor friend of mine and she took it from there … on the other hand if that thing involved both of us, it couldn’t stand a chance … or simply turned into something that totally about her and i was left out of it. sounds vague i know…
Let me clarify it by asking this: How could something we’re supposedly going to enjoy together to have a good time always end up in some rivalry or competition and turns into some situation that’s totally centered around you? Or if it’s applicable, I end up being totally left out. Sorry my concept of relationships include much more togetherness than that … as well as MUCH less selfishness… that’s IT … finally i found it … this X BH was just too unbelievably selfish!!!
So three years have almost passed and things are starting to fall apart again… on and off … i get sick of it … i break up … we make up and i get a shit load of promises … promises get broken and i get hurt … she gets pissed how come i’m pissed … she breaks up … she apologizes … admits it all … adds one to her shit load of promises … repeat as many times as you like …
Why I hadn’t gotten the message sooner? i don’t know. Especially that this period of her so called ‘fixing things’ only made matters worse … and slowly i faded away … or maybe this relationship started to fade away in my eyes.
I admit sometimes within this period i didn’t even act as if i’m in a relationship … at the same time i did … i would find myself considering other options but just not doing anything about it cause i’m with someone … it’s like being a hamster in one of those wheels … you just turn and turn not knowing where you came from or where you’re going … and it’s not long before you get dizzy…
The only result i know for sure was that i was growing numb … i started to get sick of the idea of a relationship in general … at the same time i just couldn’t get my self out … i’ve been with this person for years … maybe i was addicted … maybe i feared the changed … whatever the stupid reason is that didn’t make me break it off … it’s still stupid so there’s no use dwelling in there…
Then came August 2006 … and things started evolving a little differently on my side … stay tuned for Part IV …

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My Story (Part II)

March 28, 2008

PART I 

So we broke up … and i was totally screwed up in my head. I think that period stands right next to NOW in contesting for the most bitter period of disappointment in my life. And it was VERY complicated.
I had an ex that i saw everytime i went out to see my friends cause she’s simply their friend too … then she started taking over those friends … little by little … destroying me. It wasn’t long before i was completely exhausted on both emotional and psychological scales. and it just won’t stop getting more complicated than that.
The only bright spot in my life at this period was a girl “A” i knew a short while before. I can clearly say that if it weren’t for her i pro’lly would’ve killed myself at the time. You know when you just can’t talk to anyone about anything because either they don’t get it or they don’t wanna accept it because eventually you’re talking about their friend?? she was different… she didn’t just understand … she showed it and was able to comfort me in every single way… it was really creeping me …
It wasn’t long before i knew she had feelings for me … and it took me as long to start developing feelings for her myself. And I committed the ultimate mistake: acting upon it that soon.
Some people call it rebound … other call it names i wouldn’t fancy including here … to me, I call it bad timing… very bad timing…
Rebounds are when u just jump in the first thing you see with a person that just doesn’t suit you at all … this was not my case … i had other people i could jump in relationships with … with her … i guess i was too thrilled to find myself that understood and appreciated by someone who did have that many things in common with me, and could be part of this fantasy relationship i’ve always dreamed of. At the same time I was afraid if I look away i wouldn’t find it any more.
Of course … a person that is still that fucked up in his heart and mind could not give all he could in this state … i just couldn’t fight for anything at the time … i was acting upon my head more and totally canceling my heart in the whole thing and very slowly i started fucking this up too … well not very slowly really. And to make shit worse, My X started trying to get back to me at the time …

I totally stood my grounds in not getting back … and then shit started getting worse … i had to be with her at the same place several times so i wouldn’t lose my friends … i had to answer calls to tell her it’s never gonna happen … and it all affected ‘A’ of course. Then my X had a terrible accident … i just couldn’t find it in me not to be there to help, as a friend. At that time el 3eshra had some meaning to me (obviously i appreciated it for the wrong people). I was totally convinced I was doing the right thing … i mean the girl was gonna die …
Little by little … ‘A’ couldn’t take it any more … I was being too cautious so i wasn’t totally opened up, after all i didn’t want another heartbreak to deal with so soon, and of course she had the total right to become jealous out of my frequent dealings with my X. She started believing i was committing the perfect rebound with her … one day she suddenly decided to confront me with it all and she broke up … i just couldn’t fight back … for some reason i just couldn’t … another emotional fight and struggle … i couldn’t do that again too soon… I thought i’d just wait … I fucked this all up cause i’m not in the right shape to do any of this … so i’ll just wait a little while till i can gather myself together to be able to really commit to whatever i’m doing … and by the time I did … it was too freakin late … and i had lost one of THE best people I have ever known … if i dare say … one of the biggest potentials for something good to ever happen in my life…

another major disappointment in my life always means another major stupid act … stay tuned for Part III

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La Wennaby???!!!

March 27, 2008

So I deleted her off the list so that i wouldn’t be tormented by seeing her online every day … and that was working fine … until she suddenly pops writing me. Says she knows how she’s been really weird to me the past few months, sometimes super mean, that it’s not about sorry, she was just hurt and trying to hurt me back  but things are very hard for her on her own where she is … and she hopes me good luck in my midterms.

First: if it’s not about sorry then what the fuck is it about??
Second: Does anyone get how this all is connected or is it just me that can’t find any sense in it??
Third: Hurt ME back??!!  wtf??!! what the hell did i do to earn a hurt back?? was it being hurt by her doings for all those years??!!!

PLEASE STOP FUCKING MY LIFE MORE THAN U ALREADY DID BA2AAA!!!!!!

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My Story (Part I)

March 27, 2008

So I’m constantly writing about it but never told the actual story right?? I talk about how much i detest the person but i’ve never said why … well here’s what it is.

5 years ago i met this girl. At first she was that really interesting person. A little while after knowing her i discovered she was not just interesting … she’s a perfect match for me in every way i could imagine at the time. We shared alot of hobbies, we listened to the same type of music, we enjoyed the same things, we felt the same thing about lots of things in life … made me feel like we were soul mates at some point.
A little while later, that girl asked me if i had a twin she could get with as i was most probably taken … as much as it’s the most obvious move i’ve seen, as much as i don’t really like obvious moves .. but this time it was different … i was totally hooked. And that’s why i was screwed for the next 5 years to come.
Once i expressed interest in this already interested interesting person, she turned into the perfect textbook bitch in all the ways you could imagine … i mean what the fuck? u just said u liked me and i like you back … but once you know that u give me hell??!
I justify it at first that it’s just panic … the girl’s never been in a relationship so i should just bare with her and things will be fine … she’ll loosen up and this perfect utopian relationship will take place and will make both of us happy for the rest of our lives. Months later, she finally admits it, we should be together … i should however watch out cause this is all new to her … she’s not really the best person in the world when it comes to letting people in or expressing her feelings… i think what the hell … the best things in the world are the ones you exert an effort for … i’m up for it and will make her feel safe and prove to her how much i love her in every single day.
So me and miss rusty set off on our journey heading for perfect couple land…
for two years i tried and did all i could to make her happy … to be the perfect partner … to be the best emotional support she could get .. to be the best practical assistance she could have … until one day i just got fed up … I’m sick of doing this all on my own … i’ve become a servant .. i’m doing all this and i’m not getting any of it back… all i was getting back was bitching and ill-treatment. (until now i can’t believe how blinded i was by this illusion of the perfect match). So i just faced her with it.
I’m sick of always being done wrong and letting it go … i’m sick of doing all i can to make something special just to be ruined by someone’s meaningless mood. (i’m a moody person myself but this was unbelievable). I seriously have not a single good memory that was not ruined by that … NONE!!! i’m serious.
And guess what … she was sick of how i became unhappy with how she’s treating me … she can’t really disagree with me that it’s not fun …. but she’s sick of how she feels like she’s constantly doing someone wrong. Well if you’re that aware of what you do why don’t you effing change it?? well u know i’m a moody and nervous person! (… interesting sense).
So SHE breaks up with me! because she’s sick of treating me like crap and me not letting it pass any more.

The complicated thing is … that by the time these two years were over, we both are in the same college, same group of friends, that we became in the same 10 person social circle … and that’s why this breakup was very complicated …

At first i was devastated, then a little while later, I thanked God for it. Yes i was all bitter that it was her that broke up with me despite her being the one that’s wrong and all that … but then again i don’t think i would’ve been strong enough to do it myself … i still was acting upon my belief that if this attitude of hers was worked around … this will be the best thing the world has ever seen in its history … i never looked past that fact…

that’s just about half the story … stay tuned for the rest of it…