Archive for the ‘X-Talk’ Category

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indifference-X

May 10, 2008

Okay so lots of people were really supportive to me on my X deal. And i really wanna thank them all for that ๐Ÿ™‚ …
Somehow they all agree on the fact that I still have those strong feelings left for her, when i don’t. So this is a disclaimer here in which i tell you all that the only feelings i have about her are just anger related to how my life’s been for the years she wasted, it’s all about me and what’s been done to me, and it’s up to me to undo all that and i will … certainly not with her in the picture :). As for feelings about HER, none, niente, NOTHING!!!

To you my dear beloved Jade, i wanna tell you that everything you advised me in your most recent comment was done yesterday in particular, this supposed person i encountered twice and in both times i was totally indifferent. And the nice part is not that i was acting it, i wsn’t … I actually DID feel totally indifferent, or surprised by how indifferent i am ๐Ÿ™‚ and the smile on her face the day before yesterday was certainly wiped out embare7 ๐Ÿ™‚ not as if i care anyways …

i’m in a good mood people ๐Ÿ™‚ finally … congratulate me

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Coincidence or Extreme Activity from the Subconscious??

May 8, 2008

So i sent this song on my group yesterday … and then had this encounter with my X finally … and i just couldn’t be but straight forward and direct to the extent of what a friend of mine later described as mean. I’m sorry i just didn’t wanna go make up lies on how i’m okay and can be friends and all that crap … cause that person fucked me up so bad and she doesn’t even deserve to be my friend??

Listening to the song i’ve been listening to since yesterday i discovered it’s retelling the whole scene!!! was it a coincidence or is my subconscious that strong?? anyways … i’m still in a complete state of shock

why the hell aren’t there any decent vidz for the songs i like these days?? :@

anyways … i’ll just have to settle for that until i figure out how to upload the songs nafsohom instead of using youtube ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

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Masochism in action

May 2, 2008

So why the fuck did i have to do that to myself??
I know where she was waiting there for W and i just went out of my way to drive through that corner to take a glance.
I knew it’s the worst thing i could do to myself, then why the fuck did I?

Why does it still affect me??
Why is my heart still aching?
Why do i then run for support when i don’t deserve it? After all i did this all to myself!!
Why does Karma have to play its game with me at this perfect particular time and leave me just all alone with noone to vent it to??
Why am i not learning the lesson?
Why am i dependant on anyone else in anything on that matter?
Haven’t I learnt from the uncountable times in which i was turned down? When every single coincidence that could happen to leave you there stranded in your shit just occur in this perfect scheme … why does that ALWAYS HAPPEN??! Can’t you get it through your head that you are alone whether you like it or not? Or is it not enough how u’re such an embarrassment to yourself that you have to embarrass yourself infront of others?
Even if i’m weak and all screwed and fucked up, am i not aware of that fact? don’t i whine about it all the time? then why am i just putting myself in situations that would lead me to be more in touch with it? So i could whine some more?? wait … wasn’t it me who did this to myself in the first place?
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??!!
DO YOU WANNA GET A GRIP OR NOT?? THENย  WHY THE HELL AREN’T YOU ACTING UPON IT YOU STUPID PATHETIC LITTLE FUCK?!

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Is it over already??

April 26, 2008

I woke up today madroob bel gazma tub3an … and looking at the calender i realized it was the 26th. My safe period of peace is over. Supposedly X is back in town starting yesterday … so this officially is the start of the period where i have to deal with her existence among my friends … or try have her get out … and yes i can’t stand her so much i CAN be that mean … is it mean uslan???

anyways… wish me luck cause i really need it … cause seriously i can’t stand the idea of even seeing her coincidentally down the street

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On regrets and memories

April 13, 2008

Ok … so for the past 48 hours i was in one of those emotional troughs where everything is starting to hit me, my brain and heart and pound on them too hard that it ached. Hence the whole idea of the Jim Carrey movie being true and all …
I came back home today and was doing my usual checkup on my blog as well as my favorite onesย  … and i found two really interesting things in there about that … one of them was an amazing response to my previous post by DaySleeper (girl you actually made a hell lot of sense and a great difference), and a really nice post which is excerpt from a book I actually never thought of reading on N‘s blog went as follows:

Eat, Pray, Love

An excerpt:

“…..I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than i care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then i have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance i have been a victim of my own optimism.”

I think that is the best expressed written paragraph i have ever read.

To you two i wanna say that you totally make sense. I shouldn’t regret most of the shit i went through because i loved or dreamt. Yes i believe in everything that was mentioned in this paragraph, and i do believe it totally describes where i fucked up in my past relationship… i wasn’t basing it on her or how she actually is, i based everything on my belief in her potential. I believe human beings have great potential especially when it comes to emotions and loving and showing them both, i guess she never really got to the place where she loved me enough … and i don’t think that’s my fault by any means. I acted upon my feelings, my love and everything i thought and felt was right … it’s not something i should be ashamed of or want to erase is it???!! NO IT’S NOT!

I was acting the exact way i wanted to be treated, and that’s not something I should regret by any means… and hence i’ll try my best not to … the fact the some people are just too sick to deserve any of it makes it their problem ,,, and adds yet another thing for THEM to regret… cause (and i don’t mean to sound too arrogant) i don’t think that’s something she’ll ever find again in her life … although i still don’t know why i wish she would … ma 3aleena

Thanks you both again.

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Protected: My Story Part IV

April 6, 2008

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My Story (just to be fair)

April 4, 2008

I was writing through part 4 when it struck me… i’m portraying X to be the evil witch/bitch of all time and myself as the complete angel that’s was totally devoid of any mistakes or flaws… how rational is that … so i thought before i go into any further details of the 2 years that are left of the story i should write a chapter on how much of an asshole i’ve been as well. So here it goes:

I would be lying if i said I totally did nothing wrong throughout the first two years of us … but who doesn’t make mistakes, lose his temper, or do something stupid because of it. By nature, I’m a very impulsive person, and my anger is not something you want to face … some people go as far as call me aggressive. All i can say in my defense on that matter is that i can’t think of one thing wrong i did to her throughout this era that was not a reaction to her shitty ways.

The first thing ever was one day in college … she was totally treating me like crap in public … nezaam i talk to her she turns around and ignores and makes me go run after her (don’t ask me why i took this shit) … and when i finally caught up with her she kept talking like shit infront of everyone i know and don’t know … so i flipped… shouted like crazy and made a whole big scene … some people actually thought i was gonna physically attack her!!! for those of you who still don’t know me that well, I DON’T let any physical anger out on females… momken atalla3 3’elly f2ayy 7aaga bass i would never touch a girl.

Another demonic act of mine was actually inspired by this little piece of info about me that i just gave out… we were having this heated argument about her ways again and she just kept going… i stepped out of the car yelling something along the line of i won’t accept being talked to like that and slammed the door… the window was in pieces on the asphalt milliseconds later… (never thought i had the physical ability to ever do that!!!)

three and the most drastic thing i ever did (as if the first two were not enough to turn me into the devil himself) …was that i actually got physically involved with someone on a time of one of our numerous breaks! Most have the right to think of me as the worst guy ever for that … and i acknowledge that …
Thing is … i was out of the thing … and by far X was not the person who has ever provided any kind of emotional support or any feeling of compassion throughout the first two years of being in that hell of a so called relationship … so i just jumped into the first opportunity of anything that would make me feel good… that doesn’t still make it right … i know so spare me all the attacks … i do those to myself …

I don’t think getting with “A” was a mistake though although she gave me a hard time about it later … so i’m not gonna even consider including it here…

Those were the major 3 wrongdoings from my side…

In my defense however (if anyone is still interested) … The difference between me and her is that i admit the things i did wrong … and i work on myself so as not to repeat them … and i never did … my apologies are not just verbal crap you hear and regret ever believing … i’m a more of a “apologize by showing change” kind of guy … so nothing in the vicinity of any of this ever happened again … My anger has been worked on bigtime (my friends find me weird till now), and i am no longer that person by any means … sometimes now i feel like i shouldn’t have changed for her sake… but i think of that as stupid … i’m actually gaining alot in my life due to these things i’ve worked on in my own self… but i have to admit that when i started working on any of it, it was mainly for her sake, so i could be a better person and a better partner in my fantasy relationship …

I’m only happy because this is the only good thing i got out of the relationship so far …

if u still think of me as the devil … then you have every right to…

kov